Having recently become a mother, I'm astounded at the number of people who will ask you the same 5 questions about your child and your role as a mother....over and over again. Upon further consideration I find some of these questions may be somewhat insensitive if not slightly inappropriate to ask a woman who is not a close friend. Let me explain...
Question #1: "Is he a good baby?"
Now, in actuality, the person asking this question probably assumes that the answer to this question should/will always be "yes, of course, a very good baby" or some other such half truth. (All babies are good babies.... at least some of the time!) The reason this particular question might be quite touchy for certain moms is simple: they may have a 'high maintenance' baby. Maybe their baby screams for no reason for hours every evening. Maybe their baby refuses to ever be put down. Ever. Maybe their baby wakes multiple times at night. Every. Night. It could be any number of things that just mean that their baby requires that little bit of extra care and attention, and that maybe their baby is a "difficult baby". The point is...it's a loaded question which could cause Mom herself to wonder whether her baby is "good" or not...and if not, is she a bad mother?
Question #2: "Does he sleep well for you?"
Luckily I have been blessed with a baby who is, on the whole, a good sleeper. So, I have been guilty of asking other people this question myself. However, having been inducted into the 'circle of moms', I now realise there are many MANY (many, many) women who are not so fortunate. As a result, this question may drum up feelings of inadequacy, frustration, or downright hopelessness. Why do we think its okay to go there? I, for one, will try not to ask this question unless the mother I'm speaking to is either a) a close friend, b) is volunteering information on the subject of her child's sleep patterns, or c) she started it. (I'm currently feeling a little bitter about this one, as we seem to have taken a slight step backward in the sleep department over the last few weeks).
Question #3: Does he eat well?/Are you breast feeding?
Having put my foot in my mouth once earlier in the same day with the sleep question, I met another mom and fumbled about for something that was seemingly less harmful...I came up with this little gem. Unfortunately for me, this mother's (wonderful sleeper) baby happened to be really fussy when it came time to chow down on the milk. These days, health care professionals tend to recommend breast feeding as the best source of nutrition for our babies. "Breast is Best!" and all that. Don't get me wrong, I think breastfeeding is fantastic. The only problem with this trend is that some mothers who choose not to or are unable to breastfeed for whatever reason, may be made to feel like less of a woman or a bad mother. I have found this to be especially true here in the U.K. Sad, but true nonetheless. Breast feeding is hard. Really hard at first. I wouldn't blame anyone if she had to give it up after day 1, or even if she chose not to from the outset. Also, with varying opinions and experiences on the length of time women choose to breast feed their children, it may be best just not to ask. (Especially if you are someone who may feel the need to offer unsolicited advice...no one asked you).
Question #4: Is baby doing 'x' yet?
This question mainly applies to other mommy friends....we all do it. But we shouldn't fall into the baby development competition trap. I feel like there isn't really much more to be said here. No one likes "that" mom... though we all ask these typed of questions at times, and it is usually innocent. It's not always a competition, but again, it would be easy to inadvertently offend someone if you draw light on the fact that their child should be speaking Chinese already now that they 5 months old just because yours is...(In case you were wondering, Elijah is also fluent in Spanish and Russian).
Question #5: Are you enjoying motherhood?
Now, this one is tricky. People generally ask this thinking only about the smiling babe in your arms, and the smile on your face. The answer, 99.9% the time, would be yes. Absolutely yes. However, please refer back to the earlier questions. Maybe this particular mother has a baby who hasn't slept more than an hour at a time. For a month. Maybe she feels as though she is letting her child down by being unable to breast feed. Maybe today is the first time she managed to actually get out of the house (and/or shower) for the last two weeks. Motherhood is beautiful, but it is also challenging. On any particular day, this question may solicit tears from a mother who loves her child desperately, but also finds that the constant demand of motherhood can be quite daunting.
So if these 5 questions should be the new taboo, what should we ask instead?
Here are a few suggestions:
1. How do you like to spend your time with baby?
2. Are you grabbing some sleep when you can? (If you MUST ask about sleep).
3. Isn't it nice just to hold them while they are little?
4. What sort of fun things is he doing now? (Without going on to brag about how your 7 month old knows the alphabet and can ride a bike without training wheels).
5. Is there anything I can help you with?
*(Don't ask the last one unless you mean it...but if you mean it, and you think "It would be nice to offer to help her", then offer! I don't know many mom's who would turn down the chance for a healthy, home cooked meal that they didn't have to make, or 30 minutes of "me time" at home).
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